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Belated thoughts on Father’s Day

// June 28th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Blog

Before Father’s Day, I was listening to the Diane Rehm Show and discovered Father Fiction, a book by Donald Miller.  Miller — who leads The Mentoring Project, an organization that helps churches start mentoring programs for boys, and is on Obama’s Task force on Fatherhood and Healthy Families – uses this quick read to ruminate on his life after his father abandoned his family.  Father Fiction really made sense to me and shed light on ways I’ve dealt with not having a dad.

I never had a relationship with my father growing up.  My parents divorced when I was an infant, and I never saw much of him growing up save for a brief stint in my middle school years. A few of my mom’s boyfriends served in a temporary role, but my mom was my only real parental figure.

Bailing fathers is systemic in my family as well.  My grandfather abandoned my mother and uncle when they were kids in the 1950s.  My mom never really developed a relationship with her dad save for awkward Father’s Days when she would force me to visit my grandpa at his house and hand him a $10 Brut gift box while she sat in the car.  Also, my great-grandfather and great-great grandfather abandoned their families, creating four generations of fatherless children and leaving me the only male surrounded by women.

I never really applied much thought to the fact that I grew up without a father or any male family member.  My mother did an amazing job raising me and working hard to make ends meet.  In my mind, I just accepted that I was just a statistic – one of the 62 percent of black kids raised by a single parent, according to 2009 census data – and honestly repressed any negative energy about not having a father.  It was just the way it was.

Miller’s book really helped me realize that I’d been subconsciously searching for a father figure all my life.  It’s why I was an annoying brat in high school with a know-it-all attitude who lashed out to get attention.  It’s why I poured myself into extra-curriculars to win arbitary awards and some type of affirmation.  It’s why I spent $12,800 buying friends in a college fraternity I neither fit into nor enjoyed.

It’s why I was always very good at small-talk but found it difficult to really open up to people.  It’s why I stayed in years-long relationships that were unhealthy, hoping to get some kind of affirmation from that girlfriend or that friend.

To quote Miller:

It’s odd to be talking about this as an adult.  But as I’ve processed the ramifications of growing up without a father, I’ve realized the increadible hole in my heart this absence has left.  I wish my father and I had a friendship and that he would call once every couple weeks and tell me I was doing a good job.  I hunger for this.  I don’t actually like thinking about this stuff, but I have a sense wounds don’t heal until you feel them.

What I mean is, I could lash out against the world for the rest of my life and never stop to do the hard work of asking why I’m angry or why I feel pain, then come to the difficult truth that the pain is there because I wanted to be loved, and I wasn’t.  I wanted to be important to my father, but I wasn’t.  I wanted to be guided, but I wasn’t.  And then, honestly, to feel whatever it is that hard truth creates—to respond in the way I need to respond.

Life has a way of presenting you ways to respond.  My father, who I hadn’t seen in over five years, called me out of the blue late lastyear.  I ignored his calls for a few weeks, not knowing what to say, until my mom urged me to call him back.  He was in North Carolina for business and wanted to get together.

For the first time since I was 12, my dad and I hung out.  We got lunch at Waffle House, he played with my dog, we got coffee at Whole Foods.  He apologized for not being around, and I forgave him.  We decided to forget the past and move forward with a relationship, no matter how non-traditional it had to be.  He promised to make himself available, and I promised to pick up the phone (as long as he didn’t try to tell me what to do… I hate that).

Most importantly, we promised to end the sad family tradition of sons and fathers not having any relationship.  I made a promise to myself to end some destructive behaviors and to prepare for fatherhood myself — not now, unless someone knows something I don’t know, but whenever that day comes.

Eight things I wish I knew eight years ago

// June 22nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Blog

Last week, I got lunch with my friend Susan and her son Jason, who just graduated from high school and is preparing to go to UNC in about six weeks.  Jason is excited about going to school and asked me if I had any advice as he started his college career.

I immediately had flashbacks of being a gangly 17-year-old, packing up his room in Alabama to move to Chapel Hill for school.  Eight years later, I can’t believe how thrilling life has been and how much I’ve grown during my time at Carolina and the four years after.  I had a lot of fun and learned some great lessons.

If I had to do it all again, I wish someone had told me these things before I started college:

Carve your own path.  There will be immense temptation to spend four year following a group and being singularly focused.  Sample all there is in college and move to the beat of your own drummer.

Take business and Econ classes. No matter your major, learning about business will be very useful when you are in the working world.  And make sure you spend more time on internships than campus activities.  Sadly, employers value work experience more than club activities and will not care that you were the president of a fraternity.  In fact, they might make fun of you for it.

Stay in shape! Run, lift weights, swim, go to the Student Rec Center, rock climb, hike, eat healthy!  It’s too easy to live off of pizza, beer, and Mexican food for four years and avoid exercise like the plague.  I gained 40 pounds in college, and it’s taken me four years to lose it.  (I did lose it, though, so high five.)  Your confidence, health, and happiness will be much better if you take care of yourself physically.

Talk to your mom and dad. They’re a lot cooler than you think.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Mistakes will happen, classes will be hard, you’ll embarrass yourself, people won’t like you, girls will reject you (again and again and again, sadly).  Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea.  At Carolina,there are over 20,000 undergraduates, 19,982 of which didn’t see you trip on the bricks and drop all your books while walking to class.  Life is a lot easier once we stop taking it so seriously.

Stay centered in who you are. College brings a lot of fun opportunities but just as many awkward situations come along from ethical dilemmas to conflict, from sex to booze and drugs.  Remember what your values are, and avoid choices that contradict them.  Even if you try things you “shouldn’t,” being true to yourself will ensure you won’t end up in too much trouble if things go poorly.

It’s okay to not have it all figured out. Overachievers like to have all the answers, but know that sometimes – okay, 95% of the time for me – you will have no clue what you want to do or what the future holds.  That’s okay!  It’s completely normal, and most people who act like they have it all figured out are frontin’, in the words of Pharrell (or Jamie Cullum for you indie, hipster kids).  Hell, I’m 25, and I don’t know exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

Have fun. Skip class, play Frisbee on the quad, go on a cool Spring Break trip, attend concerts, root for the Tar Heels at every opportunity, eat at Sutton’s Drug Store, have rich conversations at 3:15AM with your next door neighbor.  Four years goes by faster than you think.  Savor every moment of it.  If you don’t, you’ll be a crotchety twenty-something with regrets.

What advice do you wish you had before you started college?  Post them here or on Facebook.

Nice guys don’t finish last — just seventh

// June 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

This is a few weeks old, but I found this on the Freakonomics blog.  If the quote is true, there just might be hope for me.

Back in the habit

// May 31st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Blog

I launched this blog about five years ago, and sadly, it’s lain fallow for almost two years.  I miss writing as an outlet, so I spent the past two weeks working on design and have launched a new site.

I’ll try to post something a few times each week to prompt discussion.  I’ll only be blogging about things of personal interest:  personal growth, travels, music, and the outdoors.

I hope we can get a good little community going here and start some good discussions.  If you have any ideas or feedback, let me know.

5 Resolutions to Avoid Falling Into A Mid-Year Burnout

// July 14th, 2008 // No Comments » // Blog, Career, Random

The past month has been a blur. I’ve had four big deadlines at work, been out of of town four times (including an entire week in Chicago), and got some bad news about a family member’s health.

Being busy, traveling, and dealing with tough person news is difficult to manage for anyone, but it’s especially tough for those of us who battle perfectionism. Two weeks ago, I felt extremely frustrated and overwhelmed with everything on my plate, when I had to take a deep breath and figure out how I can pursue my goals while avoiding burnout.

My thoughts led to me making five mid-year resolutions:

Accept that there’s no real Superman: Realize and understand that no matter how talented or bright you may be, you can’t do everything.

Not being in the office much this past month has created a long to-do list at work and left some personal things neglected. I found myself getting more and more stressed, simply by the number of things on my plate, but I finally realized that it’s virtually impossible for me to get to everything in the time I’d like to and that it’s okay. I’ll do my very best to get to what I can each day, and eventually, I’ll get caught up.

Refocus on priorities:
Concentrate on the things that matter most to you.

I wrote down the things that were important to me and pared the list down to the top 5 things in my life (in order): friends and family, time outdoors, excelling at work, volunteering, and blogging. I’m making sure that the tasks I work on at any given time fit within those five priorities, and any new projects or opportunities have to fit within a priority or else I won’t pursue it.

Simplify life by letting go of things. Eliminate the optional tasks that you genuinely don’t have time for or don’t enjoy doing.

After looking at my priorities, I evaluated the things I’ve been neglecting to see if they’re things I can realistically give time to. I made a tough decision to leave the board of one of the organizations I volunteer for and donate to. Although I love the organization and its work, my work and personal demands aren’t allowing me to give the organization the attention it needs from a board member. I’m doing the group a favor — allowing them to find a board member who can be more active — and taking one big item off of my to-do list. It’s okay to cut things and say no.

Take time for self: Each day, do something that fun and personally fulfilling to you.

I need to make sure that I spend time each day doing something that I enjoy doing — not something to please someone else or that I feel obliged to do. It’s as simple as walking my dog each afternoon or reading a book. It means curbing my travel schedule so that at least two weekends each month are spent at home instead of on the road or in a plane. Time at home to catch a baseball game, go on a hike, or simply veg out on the couch is important.

And it means not answering the phone.
Our technology dependency has created the expectation that people are always available, and we feel the urge to immediately answer the phone or respond to each voicemail. My recent purchase of a Crackberry has only made me even more guilty of it. Over the past few weeks, though, I’ve turned my phone off when doing personally fulfilling things or simply refused to answer when the phone gives that oh-so-familiar buzz. I can ignore it because I have to create time to catch my breath and do things that I enjoy.

Accentuate the positive:
Instead of focusing on what hasn’t been done, think of all the things you’ve accomplished.

I am notoriously self-critical, and while it can sometimes be a great motivator, I often create more stress than external factors do. The other week, I caught myself thinking solely about what tasks at work I haven’t gotten to (donors I need to call, emails I haven’t sent, etc.). When I finally thought about the things I had gotten to (getting three major donor receptions off the ground, sending a 4,000-piece mail appeal, and submitting four grant proposals), I quickly realized that the pluses far outweigh the minuses. As my girlfriend tells me, I need to be far nicer to myself at work and concentrate on actual accomplishments versus pending tasks.

I can tell a marked difference between my mood a few weeks ago and how I feel now. The list of things that have to get done haven’t changed too much, but I’m more confident about the rest of the year and ready to move forward — with much less stress.

Win Them Over: Generation Y Can Overcome Age Discrimination with Emotional Intelligence

// June 17th, 2008 // 4 Comments » // Blog, Career, Columns, Education

Ageism is something most — if not all — twenty-somethings will have to confront as we build our careers. Often, we’re the youngest people in our organizations, and every now and then we’re confronted with overt displays of ageism. How we respond is critical.

My advice: Nip overt ageism in the bud. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate blatant disrespect and that you expect to work professionally and equally. Otherwise, the problem behavior will continue and you’ll never gain respect within the organization. The key to this is choosing the right approach, though.

Sometimes you have to kill them with kindness. During the second week of my first political job — consulting a state-wide organization while doing constituency organizing — a 70-year-old activist walked up to me during an important meeting and yelled, “Who in the hell hired this kid?”

I wanted to tell the lady where to shove it, but she’d become one of the most vocal activists in the state over a 40-year career.

I bit my tongue and said, “Maam, I didn’t hire myself, so you’ll have to take that issue up with people far higher on the totem pole.” It created a laugh in the room, and I continued by saying, “There’s no changing the fact that we have to work together, so I ask that you do me a big favor and share your wealth of knowledge with me so we can both be successful.”

Her mood changed drastically and the meeting moved forward without incident. After the meeting, I got several comments for handling her outburst, and I was able to talk with her one-on-one and convince her to start getting lunch with me regularly.

So when you’re faced with ageism from someone with authority and respect within your organization and whom you have to work alongside, you might have to consider the nice route by:
- Being humble and as nice as you can
- Showing respect for their age and experience
- Asking them to mentor you (realizing you don’t have to take their advice)

Basically, you want to make the potential adversary feel like they are a partner in your success.

Other times, you have to show authority. I worked full-time through undergrad, and in one of my jobs, I managed a housing complex near the university. Part of my responsibility was managing 100 tenants, 12 staff, and our relationship with a food service and janitorial company.

Within three months of my job, my main contact with the food service company — a 50-year-old guy with over 30 years experience in the field — began going over my head when he disagreed with my decisions, saying “Young guys don’t get it.” Luckily, my bosses didn’t micromanage, but I knew I had to stop this pattern quickly.

I called the guy into my office for a one-on-one meeting and began it by saying, “Look, I may be young, but I’m not a fool. I respect you, but I sign your check and I should hear your concerns directly instead of from my supervisors. Please don’t go above my head again, or we’ll have issues. I would hate to see you lose this account due to insubordination.”

It was extremely difficult for me to be so stern (I’m usually a happy go lucky guy), but it was necessary. He stopped going over my head and brought concerns directly to me, which made it much easier to be effective in the job.

So when you’re faced with overt ageism from a direct report, consider showing authority by:
- Having one-on-one conversations
- Being direct and authoritative
- Showing respect for their age and experience, while asking for the same
- Clarifying roles and responsibilities
- Indicating potential outcomes if problem behavior doesn’t change

Basically, you want to make the potential adversary feel like you are a partner in their success.

These are two methods that have helped me deal with overt ageism. Stay tuned for strategies to deal with inconspicuous — but still troublesome — examples of ageism in the workplace.

Don’t wait to engage millennial donors

// June 2nd, 2008 // 2 Comments » // Blog, Fundraising, Non-Profits

For fundraising, most organizations solely look to boomers and seniors for donations. As a major gifts officer, I completely understand it. The prospect pool is much higher because of the sheer population numbers and income.

This conventional wisdom often leads organizations to completely ignore young donors, but they are making big mistakes if they don’t build donor relationships with millennials.

Millennials are willing to give. The Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University (working with Campbell & Company consultants) released an excellent report confirming that millennials are just as likely as any other generation to donate. In a study of 10,000 people representing each generation, the average giving level of millennials is on par with that of other generations.

The study also found that millennials are more likely than any other generation to cite the “desire to make the world a better place to live” as a key motivation for their philanthropy. According to the Association of Fundraising Professionals, this response suggests that younger donors will respond better to messages that focus on the global impact of an organization’s work.

Millennials are willing to raise money. From activities like Jump Rope for Heart to collegiate dance marathons, philanthropy has been part of most millennials’ complete educational careers. Fundraising allows us to scratch the entrepreneurial itch, and more college and even high school students are stepping up to the philanthropic plate.

Non-profits would be remiss to not engage students in their fundraising efforts. My organization, the Ronald McDonald House and Family Room of Durham, is working with Duke University through DukeEngage, a program that places Duke students in summer internships at non-profit agencies. Our great interns are engineering a program called Schools of Hope that will engage local elementary and high school students in fundraising for the Ronald McDonald House.

Millennials are willing to take on executive volunteer roles and make major gifts. I serve on the board of Traction, a 501c3 organization that engages young people in civic life, and I’m a major donor to both Traction and the Ronald McDonald House. My best friend Josh is a trustee of his church and contributes over 10% of his salary to the church and it’s non-profit foundation. We both deduct manageable amounts each month from my paycheck that add up to major gifts for the organizations.

One of the best ideas I’ve heard is from Tracey, a VP for Development at the United Way who commented on my blog over at Brazen Careerist. Her organization is starting a Young Leaders Society to encourage major giving among 20 and 30-somethings.

And millennials could become lifetime donors. Investing in young donors now can be very profitable for organization’s long-term success. Getting a donor engaged in her 20s — even at a low-dollar level — and effectively stewarding her generosity could develop a lifetime donor. Over a potential 30+ year relationship, donations will grow with her income and she’d be perfect for capital projects and planned giving as years go on.

Universities have long realized these points. UNC, my alma mater, begins donor relationships from the day you enroll. Their HeelRaisers Society and senior campaigns even allow students to network and solicit other students via Facebook. Once you graduate, you’re invited to join the Young Alumni donor network and given “discounts” to join the University’s highest giving societies.

The sooner non-profit organizations borrow these ideas and engage with young donors, the better their outlook for the future.

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